Colors

elementary days, i had come up to an idea of what and who really i am. yeah, some people might have been judging me from that time. bullying me as if they know what i've been through. not a single friend knew who really i was, in high school and even some part in college. i am afraid. i fear discrimination thinking this would isolate me from the others. and yes, I am Gay.

i am not the normal working man whom others think, or i am not what my parents expect me to become, not even the label what my friends have been tagging me all way long. some of them might knew what i really am, but they are just waiting for me and for the right time to share it. in college, i waited someone who would talk to me, get a serious grasp about this matter but it did not happen. its because i am living VAGUE in the society. how would they know ur confused if you are all up there busy putting smile to everyone. how would they know if ur psychologically dying in every homosexual topic brought up in class (or anywhere), when ur so good in acting everything is under control.

i remember one time, during my 3rd year OJT, when i was asked if I was gay or something different, I said NO. and explained, or lied, to them i am straight. voice was shivering, eyes were not looking straight to them, knees were almost to bend. i told myself, that will be the last time i will lie. BUT I FAILED. continually, i became hesitant and in denial of what really i was. everytime my relative would ask how old i am yet still i dont have any girl introduced to them. and i just laugh and divert as hard as i could to change the topic. and now that i am 22, nearing 23, more and more speculations are slipping off the minds of people.

there is this pain, there is this discouragement, there is this shame. what now? after sharing this thought to them, would they see me as the russel they thought before? could i still have friends? well, maybe this is the time choose the people who will stay up for me no matter how disgraceful i am to the eyes of others.

yesterday, i know who i am, today i am who i become. life indeed is not about pleasing other's perspective. people are gonna hurt me, but i have to choose who are those deserving to keep with.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS - A Suicidal Note

Have you ever ask your self what would be your last words here on earth? Some would want to express it an exquisite way, like text messages, cards, or some fancy facebook status. Above these, the most common way is a SUICIDAL NOTE. They say we should live life as if it was our last. So aside from enjoying every moment we have, it might also be better to document farewell happiness through essays.

                I am writing this letter to express how much happiness i had received from my birth up to this confusing moment. Life is supposed to be enjoyed, it has to be lived FULLY. Despite the facts that problems arises, the choice to become happy and grateful is always present. But what if those choices are blurred? What if your caught up in a moment where nothing came, no one reached out, not a single part of the family ask HOW I AM TODAY. Problems are supposed to be expressed to some thoughtful individuals, but what if they are not there, what if they have some problems to attend to, what if they choose not to say something because its not their duty to solve your silly dilemma. Anyways, I am not blaming them for these things because in the first place i am responsible for what is happening to my life now. I am not angry nor devastated by them. Its not their fault.

                To the person who will be reading this note, I am happy to know you gave some time to read this not-so-well-constructed essay. I want you to know how thankful i am. To my family, who will be continuing their lives without me, don’t worry please. It will not give any significant change. I am sorry for the big investments Ma, Tay, ug sa akong mga igsoon. You gave everything u could, from sweat to money. From time to sacrifices. Lending money for me to finish my studies, to run for about a kilometer just to buy foods to satisfy my needs. For sacrificing ur individual wants to incur my necessities. For providing me a peaceful environment back home, a shelter full of comfort and clothing duly washed for me to wear adequate neatness. Ma, tay, I know you dont  always buy clothes, and i promised myself to buy you those when i get paid but i ask forgiveness for i cant make that moment to happen. I am so sorry. Ur son is so weak. Ur son is unwell. Sorry also that our dream house will not be built anymore because i wasted your investments. But i am happy atleast we already have a car. I hope our family will stay longer and better. I am praying that the love on each other would last.

                To my friends,neighbors, true friends, twin sister, co-league, best friends, classmates, lover, you know who you are. I am so happy successes are starting to build up on your paths. I am so proud  you reached this part of your lives where you chose to live and continue everything you had started. I am so proud. I know someday you will forget i existed but i want you to know that i am the proudest friend here on your achievements. My family knows that. I always share how you’re going through every big leap you’re taking. I am so sorry for the burdens and confusions i made. For the troubles i caused, for the pain i installed in your hearts. Forgive me please. I am just so weak. I am just so incompetent. Our togetherness may not be perfect, but i am one of the happiest and thankful person that our paths had intersected. You became a big part of my life. You made me learn what school could not teach, u made me feel strong for i know some of you chose to be part of me. So long everyone, i hope to see again. Again, none of this is your fault. Noe of this is caused by you. I just want to express a sense of gratitude even from my last intellectual essay.

                HAPPINESS is indeed a choice. Search from within. Thank you for this Life Lord. Thanks for this moment.