i am not the normal working man whom others think, or i am not what my parents expect me to become, not even the label what my friends have been tagging me all way long. some of them might knew what i really am, but they are just waiting for me and for the right time to share it. in college, i waited someone who would talk to me, get a serious grasp about this matter but it did not happen. its because i am living VAGUE in the society. how would they know ur confused if you are all up there busy putting smile to everyone. how would they know if ur psychologically dying in every homosexual topic brought up in class (or anywhere), when ur so good in acting everything is under control.
i remember one time, during my 3rd year OJT, when i was asked if I was gay or something different, I said NO. and explained, or lied, to them i am straight. voice was shivering, eyes were not looking straight to them, knees were almost to bend. i told myself, that will be the last time i will lie. BUT I FAILED. continually, i became hesitant and in denial of what really i was. everytime my relative would ask how old i am yet still i dont have any girl introduced to them. and i just laugh and divert as hard as i could to change the topic. and now that i am 22, nearing 23, more and more speculations are slipping off the minds of people.
there is this pain, there is this discouragement, there is this shame. what now? after sharing this thought to them, would they see me as the russel they thought before? could i still have friends? well, maybe this is the time choose the people who will stay up for me no matter how disgraceful i am to the eyes of others.
yesterday, i know who i am, today i am who i become. life indeed is not about pleasing other's perspective. people are gonna hurt me, but i have to choose who are those deserving to keep with.
